Feeling Great

The week is finally over and Daddy is coming home soon!!! Thank god the week flew by faster than expected.

Meanwhile, Mummy is back at my parents' place for the weekend. Everything is pretty much the same... the room, the bed and the feel of lying in my old bed.

Oh yes... the employment agent called yesterday. Need to go back to Kraft on Monday for a final round of interview with their chief counsel for the Asia-Pacific region before they can give me a firm offer. Seems like I have secured the job (yeah!!!)... hopefully there won't be any major bloopers to kill my chances at this final lap. Hasn't been easy having to go through 5 rounds of interview and each lasting at least an hour. Fingers and toes crossed.

Let's Hit the Road!!!

Bon Voyage to Daddy!!! He is leaving for Los Angeles later this afternoon for a conference... and will be back one week later.

Will be missing him... as well as those days when I have someone to drive me to work. It has been a while since I drive on my own (actually not that many occasions either). Guess that I am too used to having an additional pair of eyes looking out for me... but this is a good time to sharpen my driving skills. Hopefully fellow road users will forgive me for being a hazard to them.

Please Stop Judging Me

Just learned from Diana yesterday that Jonathan said behind my back that I married your Daddy because of money. Not just me, Chelsea was accused for choosing Tony because he owns a car. We know better than him... he is not in the position to (in)"justify" the choices we make.

No word is enough to describe the degree of my disgust I have with Jonathan... his tendency to assume has never sicken me so badly. I earn my own keeping, I support my own family with my own monthly salary, I pay for most of my own purchases... can someone give me back the due justice that has been robbed away from me?

Nonetheless I am somehow not too surprised that this is coming from him.

I was reminded of a passing remark passed by a colleague at me not too long ago when I told him I wasn't keen in taking up a corporate line even though it was much cheaper (because mine was already under Daddy's corporate line)...

"I know you very rich lah"

I tried to brush the comment far away by not replying and not keeping it to heart... but it definitely wasn't something which I appreciated from someone who doesn't even have the slightest clue.

We have an average income like most young couples, we don't dine at posh restaurants except for special occasions when we want to have something different... and would even go for places having promotions and discounts, we don't splurge on state-of-the-art equipments, we don't buy branded clothes or accessories, we do our sums carefully. I can't help but wonder if they got the wrong person when making such remarks.

If the rich marries the rich, the rich is deemed as snobbish... but if the poor marries the rich, the poor is hankering after the wealth. If the rich spends on a big ticket item, the rich is splurging unnecessary and taking things for granted... but if the rich is careful in spending, the rich is stingy.

Assumptions and speculations will never run dry... someone will bound to have something to say. Why are people so quick to judge? Or are they simply enjoying stereotyping so much?

I Wish You Well

Mummy's grandpa passed away in the late afternoon on 9 September 2004. I wouldn't use the word "peacefully" because I have doubts that he had been feeling happy and contented for the last 2 years. I felt sad not because he is no longer with us but because I wished he could have had a happier life.

After all the usual rituals... I question the need for it. It wouldn't make the deceased feel better... only for those who remained behind to have a peace of mind. Treat the person well while he or she is still around... anything done after the person is gone is only a big wayang show.

Every ending bodes a new beginning, but after a person passes away... will there be a new beginning for him or her? Nonetheless, my last words to my grandpa was to wish him a happier life... if there really is a next life.

The Reason to Carry On

After an extremely busy week... the power, gas and water are running at our new apartment, and the lights are finally up too. Next on the list is to actually secure a tenant.

Mummy's Grandpa has been discharged from the hospital earlier today. Actually it was to everyone's surprise that he had a speedy recovery. But we are glad that he pulled it through. However he is back to his old self... doesn't utter a word, keeps to himself and looking depress. The people around can only do what they can to make that person feel better... but at the end of the day the person must find the will to carry on, the need to feel happy.

Maybe it is easier for a younger person to recover from a bitter episode because he or she knows that there are many more things to look forward to, many more things to be taken care of, many more opportunities to right a wrong... but for a person who has lived a full life, he or she has nothing more to look forward to, nothing else that needs to be taken care of and not many opportunities left to right a wrong... and that is when one will lose the meaning of life. This may sound a little morbid... but perhaps all we need is not to have everything which we desire for, just so that we will continue to have a reason to continue living.

Yipeee!!!

Congratulations to Daddy for getting his well-deserved promotion to project manager yesterday!!!!

However... it is only a promotion in name, because other than being given a parking lot there is not much changes... especially to his pay packet. Anyway... better than nothing I guess.

Slipping Away

A new life begins quietly... and it can slip away quietly without anyone's knowledge.

Mummy's Grandpa is in a critical condition right now and chances of him pulling through is close to zero. One would be caught in a dilemma as to whether you wish to see him hang on a little longer or just let go seeing him in such a state. Though he wasn't in the pink of health three weeks ago... but he was definitely doing much better as compared to now.

We collected the keys to our apartment earlier this morning. Nice place... great view!!! Two of the bedrooms even looked out to the sea. As we are on the highest floor... the whole apartment has a high ceiling. Time to invest in the Singapore Sweep... if we strike the first prize... we will move in.

Victimising By Feeling Victimised

Conflicts are abundant everywhere... between spouses, partners, parents and children, co-workers, friends... the cyber-community is no exception and I was just as guilty.

After having taken a step back (though it is still as entertaining just reading the quirky and witty replies as a bystander) I find myself being able to look at the situation with a different perspective. The one who calls for tolerance is just as intolerant... otherwise he or she wouldn't have voiced out his or her displeasure. The one who cried foul is just as underhanded... otherwise he or she wouldn't have turned to the higher authority, rallied for support from other fellow forumers or even register additional nicknames to create a false impression that he or she is being supported. The one who advocates open-mindedness is just as narrow-minded otherwise he or she would have taken other's opinion graciously. When we are too engulfed with our own emotion and opinions we have of others... our judgment will be clouded inadvertently. To top it off... we hold dear to the belief that there is nothing wrong with our judgment... (or is it just an attempt to make ourselves feel better because we are "better people").

The ongoing episode in the forum came at the right time... it gave a knock on my head... telling me that it is high time I snap out of it. The recent feeling of being "victimised" by the situation is nothing but self-doing. I had "victimised" myself by feeling "victimised". The sour feeling is soured further because of my failure to pull myself out fast. I have been too enveloped in the dissatisfaction I have for my job. Nothing is perfect and I have promised myself long ago not to allow my work to take the lead... I have forgotten about that promise. I should be the overall-in-charge... I should be the one calling the shots.

Time to channel my time and energy into better areas of life. We will be collecting the keys to the apartment next week... time to get down to work to do up the place. I'm sure I will be able to find other items to fill up my to-do list ;)

Dream - A True Reflection?

The interview didn't go as well as I thought it should... felt that I could have done better, given more appropriate answers... or maybe because I am holding myself against a standard which is unattainable. Overall my gut feeling tells me that I have flop the test yet again.

Had a weird dream last night... dreamt that I was single and was dreaming that I got married. Confusing?? In short... I dreamt that I was dreaming. When I woke up and saw Daddy lying next to me... I got a shock... because I thought I was in my old bed. I guess it was because I was confused in that split second as to whether I was still in my dream's dream, in my dream or the reality.

Feeling a little bored this morning... Mummy searched the internet for an interpretation for "dreaming in dream". I remained skeptical about how much truth the interpretation could possibly hold... even though it is often said that a dream is a true reflection of a person's thought.

This was what I found on Dream Dictionary...

"Dreaming that you are dreaming means your emotional state. You are excessively worried and fearful about a situation or circumstance that you are going through."

It reminded me of another vivid dream I had two weeks ago. I dreamt that I was in a queue waiting for my turn to use the washroom... but the people behind me kept overtaking me by jumping queue... and I ended up feeling frustrated because I was in an urgent need to let go. (Somehow my dreams are often revolved around toilets... haunted washroom especially... or washroom as big as a labyrinth which I can't seem to walk out of.) I did my own interpretation of people jumping queue - missed opportunities or disappointment in not being to attain what I want

If dreams are indeed true reflection of the one's thoughts... my recent dreams must be a sign for me to learn to relax and go with the flow.

Keep Those Fingers Crossed

Mummy's effort in job hunting is finally seeing some results. I was called up for an interview by the agent for Kraft Foods Asia. After the interview last Saturday, they have fixed me up for a second interview with the legal counsel tomorrow evening.

Although there is no guarantee that it will be the ultimate dream job... at least I am getting good vibes so far. Let's hope that they live up to the corporate culture which they have portrayed - open and proactive.

The office moved from Manila just two months ago and so it is still relatively new even though the brand is of no stranger to the local market. There is even the possibility that the office will grow further when they move their HQ for the Asia-Pacific region from Melbourne here. Sounds exciting... a new yet established setup.

It was reassuring to learn from the HR manager that being an American MNC, they will not judge my suitability base on my marital status or personal plan to start a family.

Definitely hope that my search will be over soon... and of course that I will be able to stay on much longer than any of my previous jobs. Meanwhile let us all keep our fingers and toes cross that Mummy will be able to perform really well at the interview tomorrow.

Great Expectations

Got me thinking recently that life is full of disappointments... maybe not because the people around us failed us but because we expected too much out from others.

Everything seems to be going against me and it is getting on my nerves to be feeling so dejected day after day. I try hard not to feel this way... but the feeling creeps out from the dark when I least expect it and catches me off guard. I try hard to get things moving... but every step I take forward I will be transported two steps backward. The solution could really be to simply not do anything and not to plan too hard.

Still looking for the silver lining of my cloud... hopefully it won't take me too long.

Sorry...

Daddy has done a terrible thing to hurt Mummy... While it was never done intentionally, it was done nonetheless...

We are all taught from young that all actions have consequences but quite often, in the heat of the moment, you do not always consider what your actions might impact others... Well, let this be Daddy's first lesson to you guys; always think through what it is you are doing and how it would affect those people around you that you hold dear... Because once in motion, you cannot turn the clock back to undo your mistakes...

To my dear darling,

I know how terribly I've hurt you and I am deeply deeply sorry... I can only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for I love you very much, and to lose you would be more pain than I can bear...

Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining

By a twist of fate, Mummy was spared from the torture of going to Outward Bound School for our Board's Staff Day. It was such a drag when I learned that we are going to Pulau Ubin to have some "fun" (fun as defined by them that is). What the organiser failed to realise is that such activities do not appeal to everyone. It was such a relief when I had to be excused because of a meeting at our parent Ministry.

Met up with an agent yesterday for a job which I had applied for. Sounds promising... so am keeping my toes and fingers cross right now.

We got a letter from the solicitors yesterday, informing us that the TOP for Waterplace has been issued. Looks like we should able to collect the keys soon. Its a nice place... but we agreed that we need to plan for the future and it is better to rent out the place for now.

A long weekend has just started... time to catch up on my sleep again.

The Endless Wait

Mummy flunk the test for this month. Although we didn't try really hard but somehow the disappointment is still there. Actually I didn't expect myself to be disappointed... or maybe I wasn't listening to my subconscious hard enough... or simply denying the existence of "feeling hopeful".

This has got to be longest cycle... today is the 37th day and still no sight of my menses. Invariably it also meant the wait will be prolonged.

The agony of waiting is however undeniable. You count the months, the weeks, the days, the hours, the minutes. The wait gets even more annoying when there is nothing else to take your mind off. You feel helpless because you know there is nothing else you can do make the clock turn faster. If only I have a remote controller to back-track and fast-forward... I will surely make full use of it.

Right now I can only hope and pray there is nothing wrong with me physically... just another episode of me freaking myself out again.

It is always so easy to preach to others to stay relaxed but definitely more complex when it comes to practical.

Fireworks At Work

Yesterday was the start of Singapore Fireworks Festival... and we were so lucky to be able to catch it.

We brought my Dad to Sichuan Dou Hua to celebrate his birthday and managed to get a table by the window facing Marina Bay... even though the restaurant had earlier confirmed that the tables by the window are all fully booked. It was a pleasant surprise that we actually had a table at the right position.

It is amazing how people are always charmed by the array display of bright lights and colours.

Oh... Those Negative Thoughts of Mine

Mummy has been feeling lethargic... maybe because I have been too engulfed in my own negative thoughts of late.  Pulling myself out of the bed and the prospect of going to work every morning is enough to kill me... ok perhaps I should be grateful that I still have a job... but somehow it doesn't seem to perk me up.

I am trying to console myself that it is just the usual phase that we all go through at certain points in life - the need for some changes every now and then in order to keep us focus... sounds a bit ironic but so much truth to it.

Demoralised... lethargic... bleak... (insufficient) words that describe how I feel about my job right now.  Oh yes... and jumpy... I jump everytime the phone rings because the thought that it might be an applicant pressuring me for an answer freaks the hell out of me.

Think I need something else to defract those thoughts of mine.

Warning: Tolerance Level Running Low !

My tolerance level with my boss is running low... I don't know how long more to go before I buckle.

She has been sitting on my work for one whole week and the applicants are chasing me for the approval.  She probably doesn't feel the heat because I am the one who is being sandwiched... having to deal with all the calls and queries.  So much for being pro-enterprising... what an insult to the word.

She pissed me off big time early in the morning.  Was trying to explain to her that we can just open up the CD and check the files in the CD... we don't need to go to our IT department for that  (it is just that simple and I do not have the foggiest clue why she had to rope in everybody for something that we can resolve on our own end) and she had to cut me off with "ok ok ok ok".  As usual, she only wants to be spoon-fed with the answer. 

Firstly, even though I am her subordinate but it doesn't mean that she can be rude to me... she needs to learn to respect everyone around her and not just her superiors.

Secondly, it is only necessary that she keeps herself updated of how things are getting done even though she has delegated it to her staff.  She has the tendency to absolve herself from something which she couldn't be bothered to look at and expect us to resolve it for her.

Thirdly, if it is something which one is unsure of... learn the ropes so that you will know how to deal with it the next time round.  She is obviously not interested to even try and understand the subject at all.  How can a person continue to grow in a job and to keep up with changes with such an attitude?

It is almost 4.30 pm... she had promised in the morning to clear out the work but I haven't heard from her yet.  Whether she throws the file out or not by today... it spells disaster for me.  It either means that I have to wait for another day or work overtime because the work will only be passed on to me minutes before knocking off.

This is so damn frustrating!!!!

Catching Up...

The start of a new week is finally drawing near.  The past week was a crazy one, with Mummy running from places to places...  thanks (and no thanks) to my indecisive boss... always changing her mind at the very last minute.  The problem with her is that she expects everyone to work around her schedule... I can't help but feel that she can be overly self-centered at times (or should I say most of the times).  Sigh... and still no news for all the job applications sent out.

Because of my messed up schedule... I am losing track of time and tide... with lots of reading up to catch up on for the forum boards and emails to clear.  Daddy has gone to his friend's place to discuss their gathering on 8 August... so that gave me the opportunity to surf the net and check my emails.

The show cause hearing last Thursday was pretty boring.  Sat around wasting my time in the Court.  However seeing how the various lawyers presented their client's case... I have to agree that men make better barrister.  After the lunch break, while waiting for the afternoon session to begin... I overheard 2 officers from Anti-Vice Branch making snide remarks of respondents who wrote in to them.  Why is it that as human we are always so quick to judge... so unhesitant to stereotype the people around us?  I believe that the World will be a better place to live in if we are more tolerant... more prepared to see and listen with an open mind... be it the judicial system or in our personal life.  But I guess it sounds a little too good to be true.

Did alot of catching up with my friends over the course of the week... in other words "lots of makan too".  There goes my plan to cut back on stuffing myself with food.

Time to rest and prepare for a new week, a new day... nite nite.

Busy Busy Bumble Bee

Today is the start of a busy week for Mummy... so much so that I dread the coming.
 
This morning was packed with phone calls to make and rounding up of quotations for the mechanical recording of this Thursday show cause hearing.  Needless to say the mad rush is due to that inefficient boss of mine.  Tuesday and Friday will be out of the office to attend some testing of this new system set up by our parent Ministry... and Thursday will be spent in the Court.  For these... the time I have in the office will be reduced considerably.  I gotta to clear the work in the shortest possible time.
 
Even the evenings are totally booked out... Tuesday evening gotta go for my menicure and pedicure... Wednesday will be catching King Arthur, Thursday evening we will be celebrating birthday for Daddy's granny, Friday evening will be meeting Jocey for dinner, Saturday afternoon has a high-tea gathering with my kakis, Saturday evening will need to go back for my mum's place for dinner and Sunday evening we are going to celebrate my dad's birthday.
 
Hopefully I will survive to see next week... and hopefully a week which is not as burnt out as this week.

I Am New (yes... starting anew that is)

Got the outcome of my appraisal yesterday. Was placed in Band D, the worse band... so no further increment or performance bonus for this year. The reason given - I am still new in the Board.

Actually after the talk given by CE last Thursday... I walked away feeling baffled with what I heard. He was telling us not to be dishearten because there are good officers being put into Band D when the officers of the same cohort are ranked in order. The hidden message that I hear is of course the Board is trying hard not to differ too much from the fixed percentage they have set for each band and hence some officers have been sacrificed in the process. The ranking is tied to the increment and bonus... so are they trying to tell us that "sorry you did well but since you are in Band D, we can't recognise your efforts duly... so just too bad".

Having spoken to my direct boss... all she could say was that it was because I am new (hello I have been with the Board for more than a year), definitely not because I am not performing up to standard and won't be in the lowest band come next year. She wants me to continue the way I have been working (well that is provided if I am still with the Board) and not feel upset over this. Told her that I would like to know what are the factors the Board takes into consideration when they decide who in which band... she obviously ain't too sure about it herself and so far the Board has kept mum about it as well. I doubt that she will get back to me with anything concrete even though as a staff I feel that I have the right to know in order to justify my "death".

Oh well despite feeling crappy about what I have heard (definitely not feeling sorry for myself)... am taking it well. Maybe because the amount involved is just a token sum... it was either NIL, $10, $20, $30 or $40 max. God... I am so out of here!!!

Daddy got an increment of close to 10% and 1.2 months bonus though... good for him. Mummy has no luck where money is concerned... I think I have resigned myself to fate... but still I am so out of here!!!