Dear Tristan & Kiefer

14 April 2004, 10 am…

“Sorry, I can’t seem to find the heartbeats.”

My heart sank and my world crashed …tears rolled down uncontrollably… I didn’t know what else I could do other than cry. That was when I knew that we had lost them both. There were no tell-tale signs… no bleeding, no spotting. All we could see on the monitor were the two little heads and their little arms and legs. Their hearts had stopped… so did ours.

They were identical… same hair, same facial features, same genes. Never expected them to share the same fate.

14 April 2004, 12.30 pm…

The wait for the D & C seemed like forever. But it was also the last few moments I could feel them inside me. The afternoon sun was shining brightly as ever… it pains me to know that they will never get to feel the warm of the sun, smell the roses and feel the light breeze brush their hair. The world will never be perfect but I’m sure they will find it beautiful despite the flaws.

I was told not to drink or eat before the surgery. I never knew how a patient waiting to be operated on could stand the thirst… because I could never live without water. But now I know… when the world stops… nothing else matters.

My tears couldn’t stop flowing.

14 April 2004, 1.30 pm…

We made our way back to the clinic for the surgery at 2.00 p.m.

The sun is still bright and scorching hot… but as we came closer to town the sky was partially covered with dark clouds. It felt as if the sky was feeling sorry for us.

14 April 2004, 2.00 pm…

Changed and waited outside the operating theatre for the gynae.

The tears just flowed endlessly. There was nothing I could do to make myself feel any better. It was the last private moments I had with my two angels.

14 April 2004, 2.15 pm…

“The first needle is painkiller and the second needle will put you to sleep… when you wake up it will be over.”

But I don’t want it to be over… to us it was just the beginning of a new life. We had so many plans for them… we were suppose to share many many more happy moments together.

My tears flowed. I lost consciousness.

14 April 2004, 3.30 pm…

As promised… it was over… but definitely not my sadness.

14 April 2004… after the sun had set… the night seemed longer and darker than any other days. Its been a while since I cried this hard…

Feeling helpless… we could only hug and cry. We did our best to console each other.

15 April 2004, 5.00 am….

Woke up after finally getting my eyes to rest for a while. I felt different… physically back to normal… no more feeling nauseous when I wake up in the morning, no more running to the washroom five to six times during the night to empty to my bladder, no more giddy spells and the bulge at my lower ab was gone. If only I could… I will gladly trade my emotional sufferings for all the physical discomfort… but it will not be possible.

My tears never seem to run out.

15 April 2004, 10.00 am…

Its been 24 hours.

The sky is as beautiful as ever… the world didn’t stop. I know I will move on eventually. Bumps on the road is inevitable… but I believe that I will pick myself up, dust it off and get on with my life. But for now… I just want mine to stop… just for a little while to let me grieve a little for my two angels.





Dear Tristan and Kiefer,

Daddy and Mummy will always love you forever… we will miss you.

Thank you for letting us feel how great parents are.

Thank you for bringing us the joy and happiness even though it was a little short-lived… but it was good and will always be part of us.

We were so looking forward to your arrival… but we know that it will never be. We will take comfort in knowing that you will have each other for company wherever you are.

We know that our angels will be looking out for us and their little brothers and sisters.

Take care… you will always be our two little angels.

Luv
Daddy and Mummy