Who Are We to Judge?

Year 2004 is finally coming to a close. As usual, mummy and friends had our "Christmas slumber party"... save and except that for this year Mummy wasn't allowed to stay over.

It seems like everyone has been pretty caught up with our own lives lately... our jobs, housework, church etc. But other than that... nothing has changed.

Something rather unusual happened yesterday though. While waiting in line to use the washroom... a Japanese middle-aged lady wheeled her handicap father into the Ladies obviously to use the cubicle for the handicap. Of course like most other women... at that very moment I frowned upon seeing a grown up man in the Ladies. The thought however dissipated shortly when it dawned on me that maybe she was alone and nobody could have helped the poor old man. However, it wasn't long before the old man started wheeling himself out of the cubicle with the daughter calling out to him from right behind. Obviously the old man was feeling embarrassed... and his action left his daughter feeling upset with him.

The daughter probably didn't have a choice but to put up with the blatant stares from onlookers... but at the same time overlooked her father's feelings. The father in guard of his pride neglected the position his daughter was caught in.

Sometimes in life... we need to make tough decisions... decisions that may not necessary be right but probably the most appropriate one in the prevailing circumstances. So who are we to judge another person for the decision he or she made?

Close Brush

It's been a crazy week for everyone...

Auntie Kai Ling got dengue fever and was admitted to hospital last Sunday. We were all so worried as we read so many articles in the papers about people who die from dengue fever. It was only upon more research that we knew that while it is very serious, it is hardly fatal in all cases.

Nonetheless, it was an anxious week for all, as Auntie Kai Ling's platelet levels were monitored daily for improvement. It all came about on Friday, when the levels start reaching safer levels that we all breathed a sigh of relief. Today, if the doctor checks that everything is ok, she'll be able to be discharged to come home.

Mummy has been really busy at work for the past week as well. However, with her Boss going away and the Christmas holiday coming, hopefully, things at her office will slow down. Tonight is her office's Dinner & Dance & poor Mummy's so tired that she's still thinking about whether to go. She's having a rest now & we'll see how... Shhhh...

A Wave...

This morning was our checkup with Dr. Lim. I guess Mummy & I tend to approach these visits with a bit of trepidation; but the sense of relief and joy after seeing the baby always fills us with a sense of hope and happiness. Today, we could see his/her little hand as well as his/her head; we couldn't make out the legs but they're there somewhere. We can't be sure if it was just Dr. Lim moving the ultrasound sensor, but both Mummy and Daddy are quite sure we caught a little wave from the baby. :)

Mummy has been really busy with work and the house. Sometimes, she amazes me with the amount of energy she has and can put into everything. As I told her the other day, she's the best wife that anyone can hope for & she's the best Mummy to you guys and the little baby growing in her.

A Rose By Any Other Name...

Mummy & Daddy have started thinking of names for your baby brother/sister. For a brother, we had decided on Matthias. According to a baby's name website, this name is used in German and English. Its source is Matityah, a Hebrew name meaning "God's gift". For a sister, we had thought of Seline the last time. But watching TV the other day, the name Shervahn came up. Daddy thought this was rather unique. This name's (with Irish Gaelic usage) source is Jehane, a Norman French name meaning "God's grace". Mummy liked it too, so for now, we're going with this pair of names. Now, just counting down the months & weeks till we see him/her.

Perfectionism Can Be Imperfect Too

Looking at the date of the last blog entry is another reminder of how busy life has been... and the reminder that with every change in the life's direction... adjustment to expectations and daily routine are inevitable.

Attended an in-house workshop on competencies at work yesterday. Initially I had expected myself to sleep through it like most seminars and workshops... surprisingly the workshop was very insightful and kept me up from morning till late afternoon.

It started to dawn on me during the workshop that one of my biggest incompetence right now is the inability to learn on the fly... and the cause is due to me being a perfectionist and being adverse to risk. How true! Very often, I want to get things right even from the start... because I don't want to make myself look bad infront of others or disappoint myself. As a result, fear will engulf me whenever I'm faced with a new situation... but will quickly jump in to try and solve the issue without fully appreciating the cause... just so that I can live up to being efficient. At the end of it... I make mistakes... taking me even farther away from being perfect.

Renewed Faith

Saw the baby again today... and the form of the head, arms and legs. It was renewed faith for us to know that the baby is doing well.

The baby is measured at 19.8mm today... that is about ten times bigger than two weeks. The expected due date will be around 20 to 23 June next year... pretty close to Mummy's birthday. I really hope I get this big birthday present next year.

To me... we had crossed a big hurdle today... because we lost you angels when you were 8 weeks. Knowing that your little brother/sister has passed the mark... even though by just a few days... I am very contented for now. I know that my level of confidence might take another nose-dive one of these days... so am looking forward to the next visit on 4 December to regain my faith again.

Thank you for watching over us and helping us get this far.

Good night... and rest well.

What an irony...

Have been so tied up with my new job and new house that I am almost losing the momentum. I think I have been too used to the slow pace of life for the last one year... so much so that I am feeling a little overwhelmed having to handle all the major changes at the same time.

No time to read the news, no time to check my emails and no time for everything else. I can only hope that the dust will settle down soon.

It is such an irony for me to say this now... I have been wanting for a change for so long but now I wish for a routine.

Life is full of contradictions at times.

Happy Birthday...

Today is your birthday, but for Mummy & Daddy, it is bittersweet... While your little brother or sister is growing inside Mummy, we cannot forget that today was to be the day that you would come into this world.

I remember when we first found out that Mummy was pregnant with you guys and how happy we were; the first time we saw you on the ultrasound, first as one, then as two; and the last time we saw you, that fateful day in April...

You guys will always have a special place in our hearts. We miss you so much... I love you... Take care... Happy Birthday...

It Could Have Been Such a Wonderful Day

Happy Birthday.

:)

Went back for a second checkup last Saturday... at last we saw the sac and a lively heartbeat. Haven't felt so relieved in the longest time... the wait for our turn was torturing. Now we are looking forward to the next appointment in two weeks time.

Mummy started work today... as usual nothing much. Hoping that things will settle down soon... the feeling of a freshie is something not quite enjoyable.

Okie... time to go have my dinner.

For Better or Worse

Today is finally the last day of service at the Board... come next week will be a new experience.

Throughout the week... have been stopped by various people asking about my resignation even though we hardly talked much prior to this. Had lunches with a few people... it was the first and most likely the last as well. For some unknown reason... people seemed to be warmer than before.

But it was pretty unusual for most people to give me a pat on the back and commented that I have done well by leaving the Board... the normal reaction I would expect is why I had decided to leave. I suppose the reputation of the department must have been so notorious that colleagues are genuinely happy that I have chosen to jump over to another pasture.

My stay here may have been a short stint... but nonetheless it was still a good experience on the whole... and of course that when it comes to bosses... things can never get any worse than this.

Wing beneath My Wings

Mummy gave Daddy a really nice pressie for my birthday... A pair of Swarovski crystal dragonflies (a big one & a small one) which we can display... Daddy has always like crystal figurines, and Mummy's present adds to a collection which now needs a nice display cabinet to sit in...



Mummy was asking about my birthday wish... Well, I'm sure you guys know, but promise to keep it a secret, kay? ;)

30th Birthday

Brought Daddy to Mezza9 at Grand Hyatt for dinner last Friday. It has been years since Mummy last went there. The selection of food there is rather interesting... it is a restaurant with 9 kitchens preparing different types of cuisine. Think we over-ordered... almost couldn't digest the food even by the next day.

We spent the next day running around scouting for furniture. Getting a bit sick of wasting so much time driving from place to place almost every weekend.

The worse part is that we completely forgot about opening the pressie -.-""

Where Are Thou?

Was a little unsettled when we couldn't see the gestational sac on Wednesday... even though Dr. Lim said that Mummy is mostly like 4.5 weeks pregnant and it is not possible for us to see the sac. I suppose our past experience has made us more neurotic. We are scheduled for another check on 30 October 2004... in the meantime we can only keep our fingers crossed.

The only positive thing that came out from the visit was that Mummy was given 2 days medical leave to rest... however I ended spending most of it cleaning the house. I think I probably deserve a spank for misbehaving.

Tomorrow is Daddy's birthday... and no I can't tell you where we are going for dinner for now.

Getting a Positive and Staying Positive

Haven't really had time to enjoy the house since moving in... because the evenings have been filled with household chores and getting the place organised. Hopefully, we will get into the rhythm soon and once the momentum is set... we should be right on track.

After a long wait... we are finally see a big fat positive on the pregnancy test kit. However... Mummy is going to be superstitious this time round and keep the news to ourselves and family until we are past the first trimester.

Had an outburst last night... not because I was overjoyed but because of guilt. Felt bad that somehow the excitement is not as strong as the first time round... not too sure what the real reason is. Maybe because of the fear that history may repeat itself... maybe because we are prepared for the news this time round but was caught unexpected the other time... or maybe because of the hormones.

Whatever the reason could be... all we hope for is that the little one will stay strong and not let us down. As for us... we must give him or her all the confidence we can.

(Oh did I mention that I had a dream few days back? Dreamt that I had a son. The dream was so vivid that I can still recall the face. Let's see how true the dream is... only time can tell.)

We Have Moved

It was a whirlwind decision for us to move over to our new home in the course of last week.

The place is more or less organised (except for the store-room and closet) but still pretty much covered in dust. So we need to work extra hard to get things in order and continue to clean up the place... while in the midst of trying to work out the daily routine.

Kindda miss the old room even though Mummy has only been in there for 8 months.

Hopefully, things will fall into place soon.

Found My New Cheese

After much waiting, Mummy finally got a firm confirmation from Kraft. Tendered my resignation this morning... have been waiting for this moment. Fortunately and unfortunately, I don't seem to have any qualms about making the switch this time... unlike the last two occasions. And because of the huge increment that I will be getting... looks like we will be able to move to Waterplace.

New job... new home!!! Which also means alot of adjustments to be made... hopefully things will run smooth during this transition period. I seem to have lost the sense of apprehension which I used to get hit with whenever I make major changes. Maybe it is because I have been wanting to go look for "new cheese" for the longest time.

Agents have been calling up to fix appointments to view the apartment... we are trying not to know what the tenants are prepared to offer. Ignorance can be a bliss at times... especially when the decision was a tough one.

Daddy's parents were initially not with the idea of us moving out... but the news has pretty much sunken in and they are now taking it well. No doubt that staying together means more savings and more time on hand... but everyone needs to learn to be more independent at some point in time.

This weekend was suppose to be a lonely one with my parents flying off to Shanghai for a holiday and Daddy to Israel for work... but Daddy's trip has been postponed indefinitely. Thank goodness :)

To rent or not to rent... that is the question

We had a BBQ party at Waterplace last Saturday and I got some of our friends from pacnet forum to gate-crash at the party to celebrate Daddy's 30th birthday. I hope he had a pleasant surprise... even though he could have suspected something fishy going on earlier that day.

Decided that we should make use of the facilities before renting it out... and of course after fixing the lights and curtains we are having second thoughts about letting out the place. The positive comments from family and friends are not making it any easy for us.

One of the prospective tenant has expressed his interest in the place and will be getting back to us in a few days. On the other hand, Mummy is waiting anxiously for Kraft to get back with a firm offer... if I should get the job, we will keep the place. We are really caught in between at the moment. Tough decisions have to be made at certain points in life... but sometimes the timing (which is not within our control) plays a part too.

Feeling Great

The week is finally over and Daddy is coming home soon!!! Thank god the week flew by faster than expected.

Meanwhile, Mummy is back at my parents' place for the weekend. Everything is pretty much the same... the room, the bed and the feel of lying in my old bed.

Oh yes... the employment agent called yesterday. Need to go back to Kraft on Monday for a final round of interview with their chief counsel for the Asia-Pacific region before they can give me a firm offer. Seems like I have secured the job (yeah!!!)... hopefully there won't be any major bloopers to kill my chances at this final lap. Hasn't been easy having to go through 5 rounds of interview and each lasting at least an hour. Fingers and toes crossed.

Let's Hit the Road!!!

Bon Voyage to Daddy!!! He is leaving for Los Angeles later this afternoon for a conference... and will be back one week later.

Will be missing him... as well as those days when I have someone to drive me to work. It has been a while since I drive on my own (actually not that many occasions either). Guess that I am too used to having an additional pair of eyes looking out for me... but this is a good time to sharpen my driving skills. Hopefully fellow road users will forgive me for being a hazard to them.

Please Stop Judging Me

Just learned from Diana yesterday that Jonathan said behind my back that I married your Daddy because of money. Not just me, Chelsea was accused for choosing Tony because he owns a car. We know better than him... he is not in the position to (in)"justify" the choices we make.

No word is enough to describe the degree of my disgust I have with Jonathan... his tendency to assume has never sicken me so badly. I earn my own keeping, I support my own family with my own monthly salary, I pay for most of my own purchases... can someone give me back the due justice that has been robbed away from me?

Nonetheless I am somehow not too surprised that this is coming from him.

I was reminded of a passing remark passed by a colleague at me not too long ago when I told him I wasn't keen in taking up a corporate line even though it was much cheaper (because mine was already under Daddy's corporate line)...

"I know you very rich lah"

I tried to brush the comment far away by not replying and not keeping it to heart... but it definitely wasn't something which I appreciated from someone who doesn't even have the slightest clue.

We have an average income like most young couples, we don't dine at posh restaurants except for special occasions when we want to have something different... and would even go for places having promotions and discounts, we don't splurge on state-of-the-art equipments, we don't buy branded clothes or accessories, we do our sums carefully. I can't help but wonder if they got the wrong person when making such remarks.

If the rich marries the rich, the rich is deemed as snobbish... but if the poor marries the rich, the poor is hankering after the wealth. If the rich spends on a big ticket item, the rich is splurging unnecessary and taking things for granted... but if the rich is careful in spending, the rich is stingy.

Assumptions and speculations will never run dry... someone will bound to have something to say. Why are people so quick to judge? Or are they simply enjoying stereotyping so much?

I Wish You Well

Mummy's grandpa passed away in the late afternoon on 9 September 2004. I wouldn't use the word "peacefully" because I have doubts that he had been feeling happy and contented for the last 2 years. I felt sad not because he is no longer with us but because I wished he could have had a happier life.

After all the usual rituals... I question the need for it. It wouldn't make the deceased feel better... only for those who remained behind to have a peace of mind. Treat the person well while he or she is still around... anything done after the person is gone is only a big wayang show.

Every ending bodes a new beginning, but after a person passes away... will there be a new beginning for him or her? Nonetheless, my last words to my grandpa was to wish him a happier life... if there really is a next life.

The Reason to Carry On

After an extremely busy week... the power, gas and water are running at our new apartment, and the lights are finally up too. Next on the list is to actually secure a tenant.

Mummy's Grandpa has been discharged from the hospital earlier today. Actually it was to everyone's surprise that he had a speedy recovery. But we are glad that he pulled it through. However he is back to his old self... doesn't utter a word, keeps to himself and looking depress. The people around can only do what they can to make that person feel better... but at the end of the day the person must find the will to carry on, the need to feel happy.

Maybe it is easier for a younger person to recover from a bitter episode because he or she knows that there are many more things to look forward to, many more things to be taken care of, many more opportunities to right a wrong... but for a person who has lived a full life, he or she has nothing more to look forward to, nothing else that needs to be taken care of and not many opportunities left to right a wrong... and that is when one will lose the meaning of life. This may sound a little morbid... but perhaps all we need is not to have everything which we desire for, just so that we will continue to have a reason to continue living.

Yipeee!!!

Congratulations to Daddy for getting his well-deserved promotion to project manager yesterday!!!!

However... it is only a promotion in name, because other than being given a parking lot there is not much changes... especially to his pay packet. Anyway... better than nothing I guess.

Slipping Away

A new life begins quietly... and it can slip away quietly without anyone's knowledge.

Mummy's Grandpa is in a critical condition right now and chances of him pulling through is close to zero. One would be caught in a dilemma as to whether you wish to see him hang on a little longer or just let go seeing him in such a state. Though he wasn't in the pink of health three weeks ago... but he was definitely doing much better as compared to now.

We collected the keys to our apartment earlier this morning. Nice place... great view!!! Two of the bedrooms even looked out to the sea. As we are on the highest floor... the whole apartment has a high ceiling. Time to invest in the Singapore Sweep... if we strike the first prize... we will move in.

Victimising By Feeling Victimised

Conflicts are abundant everywhere... between spouses, partners, parents and children, co-workers, friends... the cyber-community is no exception and I was just as guilty.

After having taken a step back (though it is still as entertaining just reading the quirky and witty replies as a bystander) I find myself being able to look at the situation with a different perspective. The one who calls for tolerance is just as intolerant... otherwise he or she wouldn't have voiced out his or her displeasure. The one who cried foul is just as underhanded... otherwise he or she wouldn't have turned to the higher authority, rallied for support from other fellow forumers or even register additional nicknames to create a false impression that he or she is being supported. The one who advocates open-mindedness is just as narrow-minded otherwise he or she would have taken other's opinion graciously. When we are too engulfed with our own emotion and opinions we have of others... our judgment will be clouded inadvertently. To top it off... we hold dear to the belief that there is nothing wrong with our judgment... (or is it just an attempt to make ourselves feel better because we are "better people").

The ongoing episode in the forum came at the right time... it gave a knock on my head... telling me that it is high time I snap out of it. The recent feeling of being "victimised" by the situation is nothing but self-doing. I had "victimised" myself by feeling "victimised". The sour feeling is soured further because of my failure to pull myself out fast. I have been too enveloped in the dissatisfaction I have for my job. Nothing is perfect and I have promised myself long ago not to allow my work to take the lead... I have forgotten about that promise. I should be the overall-in-charge... I should be the one calling the shots.

Time to channel my time and energy into better areas of life. We will be collecting the keys to the apartment next week... time to get down to work to do up the place. I'm sure I will be able to find other items to fill up my to-do list ;)

Dream - A True Reflection?

The interview didn't go as well as I thought it should... felt that I could have done better, given more appropriate answers... or maybe because I am holding myself against a standard which is unattainable. Overall my gut feeling tells me that I have flop the test yet again.

Had a weird dream last night... dreamt that I was single and was dreaming that I got married. Confusing?? In short... I dreamt that I was dreaming. When I woke up and saw Daddy lying next to me... I got a shock... because I thought I was in my old bed. I guess it was because I was confused in that split second as to whether I was still in my dream's dream, in my dream or the reality.

Feeling a little bored this morning... Mummy searched the internet for an interpretation for "dreaming in dream". I remained skeptical about how much truth the interpretation could possibly hold... even though it is often said that a dream is a true reflection of a person's thought.

This was what I found on Dream Dictionary...

"Dreaming that you are dreaming means your emotional state. You are excessively worried and fearful about a situation or circumstance that you are going through."

It reminded me of another vivid dream I had two weeks ago. I dreamt that I was in a queue waiting for my turn to use the washroom... but the people behind me kept overtaking me by jumping queue... and I ended up feeling frustrated because I was in an urgent need to let go. (Somehow my dreams are often revolved around toilets... haunted washroom especially... or washroom as big as a labyrinth which I can't seem to walk out of.) I did my own interpretation of people jumping queue - missed opportunities or disappointment in not being to attain what I want

If dreams are indeed true reflection of the one's thoughts... my recent dreams must be a sign for me to learn to relax and go with the flow.

Keep Those Fingers Crossed

Mummy's effort in job hunting is finally seeing some results. I was called up for an interview by the agent for Kraft Foods Asia. After the interview last Saturday, they have fixed me up for a second interview with the legal counsel tomorrow evening.

Although there is no guarantee that it will be the ultimate dream job... at least I am getting good vibes so far. Let's hope that they live up to the corporate culture which they have portrayed - open and proactive.

The office moved from Manila just two months ago and so it is still relatively new even though the brand is of no stranger to the local market. There is even the possibility that the office will grow further when they move their HQ for the Asia-Pacific region from Melbourne here. Sounds exciting... a new yet established setup.

It was reassuring to learn from the HR manager that being an American MNC, they will not judge my suitability base on my marital status or personal plan to start a family.

Definitely hope that my search will be over soon... and of course that I will be able to stay on much longer than any of my previous jobs. Meanwhile let us all keep our fingers and toes cross that Mummy will be able to perform really well at the interview tomorrow.

Great Expectations

Got me thinking recently that life is full of disappointments... maybe not because the people around us failed us but because we expected too much out from others.

Everything seems to be going against me and it is getting on my nerves to be feeling so dejected day after day. I try hard not to feel this way... but the feeling creeps out from the dark when I least expect it and catches me off guard. I try hard to get things moving... but every step I take forward I will be transported two steps backward. The solution could really be to simply not do anything and not to plan too hard.

Still looking for the silver lining of my cloud... hopefully it won't take me too long.

Sorry...

Daddy has done a terrible thing to hurt Mummy... While it was never done intentionally, it was done nonetheless...

We are all taught from young that all actions have consequences but quite often, in the heat of the moment, you do not always consider what your actions might impact others... Well, let this be Daddy's first lesson to you guys; always think through what it is you are doing and how it would affect those people around you that you hold dear... Because once in motion, you cannot turn the clock back to undo your mistakes...

To my dear darling,

I know how terribly I've hurt you and I am deeply deeply sorry... I can only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for I love you very much, and to lose you would be more pain than I can bear...

Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining

By a twist of fate, Mummy was spared from the torture of going to Outward Bound School for our Board's Staff Day. It was such a drag when I learned that we are going to Pulau Ubin to have some "fun" (fun as defined by them that is). What the organiser failed to realise is that such activities do not appeal to everyone. It was such a relief when I had to be excused because of a meeting at our parent Ministry.

Met up with an agent yesterday for a job which I had applied for. Sounds promising... so am keeping my toes and fingers cross right now.

We got a letter from the solicitors yesterday, informing us that the TOP for Waterplace has been issued. Looks like we should able to collect the keys soon. Its a nice place... but we agreed that we need to plan for the future and it is better to rent out the place for now.

A long weekend has just started... time to catch up on my sleep again.

The Endless Wait

Mummy flunk the test for this month. Although we didn't try really hard but somehow the disappointment is still there. Actually I didn't expect myself to be disappointed... or maybe I wasn't listening to my subconscious hard enough... or simply denying the existence of "feeling hopeful".

This has got to be longest cycle... today is the 37th day and still no sight of my menses. Invariably it also meant the wait will be prolonged.

The agony of waiting is however undeniable. You count the months, the weeks, the days, the hours, the minutes. The wait gets even more annoying when there is nothing else to take your mind off. You feel helpless because you know there is nothing else you can do make the clock turn faster. If only I have a remote controller to back-track and fast-forward... I will surely make full use of it.

Right now I can only hope and pray there is nothing wrong with me physically... just another episode of me freaking myself out again.

It is always so easy to preach to others to stay relaxed but definitely more complex when it comes to practical.

Fireworks At Work

Yesterday was the start of Singapore Fireworks Festival... and we were so lucky to be able to catch it.

We brought my Dad to Sichuan Dou Hua to celebrate his birthday and managed to get a table by the window facing Marina Bay... even though the restaurant had earlier confirmed that the tables by the window are all fully booked. It was a pleasant surprise that we actually had a table at the right position.

It is amazing how people are always charmed by the array display of bright lights and colours.

Oh... Those Negative Thoughts of Mine

Mummy has been feeling lethargic... maybe because I have been too engulfed in my own negative thoughts of late.  Pulling myself out of the bed and the prospect of going to work every morning is enough to kill me... ok perhaps I should be grateful that I still have a job... but somehow it doesn't seem to perk me up.

I am trying to console myself that it is just the usual phase that we all go through at certain points in life - the need for some changes every now and then in order to keep us focus... sounds a bit ironic but so much truth to it.

Demoralised... lethargic... bleak... (insufficient) words that describe how I feel about my job right now.  Oh yes... and jumpy... I jump everytime the phone rings because the thought that it might be an applicant pressuring me for an answer freaks the hell out of me.

Think I need something else to defract those thoughts of mine.

Warning: Tolerance Level Running Low !

My tolerance level with my boss is running low... I don't know how long more to go before I buckle.

She has been sitting on my work for one whole week and the applicants are chasing me for the approval.  She probably doesn't feel the heat because I am the one who is being sandwiched... having to deal with all the calls and queries.  So much for being pro-enterprising... what an insult to the word.

She pissed me off big time early in the morning.  Was trying to explain to her that we can just open up the CD and check the files in the CD... we don't need to go to our IT department for that  (it is just that simple and I do not have the foggiest clue why she had to rope in everybody for something that we can resolve on our own end) and she had to cut me off with "ok ok ok ok".  As usual, she only wants to be spoon-fed with the answer. 

Firstly, even though I am her subordinate but it doesn't mean that she can be rude to me... she needs to learn to respect everyone around her and not just her superiors.

Secondly, it is only necessary that she keeps herself updated of how things are getting done even though she has delegated it to her staff.  She has the tendency to absolve herself from something which she couldn't be bothered to look at and expect us to resolve it for her.

Thirdly, if it is something which one is unsure of... learn the ropes so that you will know how to deal with it the next time round.  She is obviously not interested to even try and understand the subject at all.  How can a person continue to grow in a job and to keep up with changes with such an attitude?

It is almost 4.30 pm... she had promised in the morning to clear out the work but I haven't heard from her yet.  Whether she throws the file out or not by today... it spells disaster for me.  It either means that I have to wait for another day or work overtime because the work will only be passed on to me minutes before knocking off.

This is so damn frustrating!!!!

Catching Up...

The start of a new week is finally drawing near.  The past week was a crazy one, with Mummy running from places to places...  thanks (and no thanks) to my indecisive boss... always changing her mind at the very last minute.  The problem with her is that she expects everyone to work around her schedule... I can't help but feel that she can be overly self-centered at times (or should I say most of the times).  Sigh... and still no news for all the job applications sent out.

Because of my messed up schedule... I am losing track of time and tide... with lots of reading up to catch up on for the forum boards and emails to clear.  Daddy has gone to his friend's place to discuss their gathering on 8 August... so that gave me the opportunity to surf the net and check my emails.

The show cause hearing last Thursday was pretty boring.  Sat around wasting my time in the Court.  However seeing how the various lawyers presented their client's case... I have to agree that men make better barrister.  After the lunch break, while waiting for the afternoon session to begin... I overheard 2 officers from Anti-Vice Branch making snide remarks of respondents who wrote in to them.  Why is it that as human we are always so quick to judge... so unhesitant to stereotype the people around us?  I believe that the World will be a better place to live in if we are more tolerant... more prepared to see and listen with an open mind... be it the judicial system or in our personal life.  But I guess it sounds a little too good to be true.

Did alot of catching up with my friends over the course of the week... in other words "lots of makan too".  There goes my plan to cut back on stuffing myself with food.

Time to rest and prepare for a new week, a new day... nite nite.

Busy Busy Bumble Bee

Today is the start of a busy week for Mummy... so much so that I dread the coming.
 
This morning was packed with phone calls to make and rounding up of quotations for the mechanical recording of this Thursday show cause hearing.  Needless to say the mad rush is due to that inefficient boss of mine.  Tuesday and Friday will be out of the office to attend some testing of this new system set up by our parent Ministry... and Thursday will be spent in the Court.  For these... the time I have in the office will be reduced considerably.  I gotta to clear the work in the shortest possible time.
 
Even the evenings are totally booked out... Tuesday evening gotta go for my menicure and pedicure... Wednesday will be catching King Arthur, Thursday evening we will be celebrating birthday for Daddy's granny, Friday evening will be meeting Jocey for dinner, Saturday afternoon has a high-tea gathering with my kakis, Saturday evening will need to go back for my mum's place for dinner and Sunday evening we are going to celebrate my dad's birthday.
 
Hopefully I will survive to see next week... and hopefully a week which is not as burnt out as this week.

I Am New (yes... starting anew that is)

Got the outcome of my appraisal yesterday. Was placed in Band D, the worse band... so no further increment or performance bonus for this year. The reason given - I am still new in the Board.

Actually after the talk given by CE last Thursday... I walked away feeling baffled with what I heard. He was telling us not to be dishearten because there are good officers being put into Band D when the officers of the same cohort are ranked in order. The hidden message that I hear is of course the Board is trying hard not to differ too much from the fixed percentage they have set for each band and hence some officers have been sacrificed in the process. The ranking is tied to the increment and bonus... so are they trying to tell us that "sorry you did well but since you are in Band D, we can't recognise your efforts duly... so just too bad".

Having spoken to my direct boss... all she could say was that it was because I am new (hello I have been with the Board for more than a year), definitely not because I am not performing up to standard and won't be in the lowest band come next year. She wants me to continue the way I have been working (well that is provided if I am still with the Board) and not feel upset over this. Told her that I would like to know what are the factors the Board takes into consideration when they decide who in which band... she obviously ain't too sure about it herself and so far the Board has kept mum about it as well. I doubt that she will get back to me with anything concrete even though as a staff I feel that I have the right to know in order to justify my "death".

Oh well despite feeling crappy about what I have heard (definitely not feeling sorry for myself)... am taking it well. Maybe because the amount involved is just a token sum... it was either NIL, $10, $20, $30 or $40 max. God... I am so out of here!!!

Daddy got an increment of close to 10% and 1.2 months bonus though... good for him. Mummy has no luck where money is concerned... I think I have resigned myself to fate... but still I am so out of here!!!

Officially 27

Mummy is officially 27 as of 9 July 2004.

Got a pair of earrings from Daddy. He did a lousy job in hiding the pressie... so much so that I found it in less than 10 seconds.

We went for a spa session at Spa Botanica in the morning... simply relaxing. Daddy even fell asleep in the midst of it. As for me it was a good opportunity to relax those tensed up muscle at my neck, shoulder and back due to the on-going cough since more than a week ago.

Attended Kevin Kern's concert at the Esplanade in the evening... it was a pleasant coincidence cause he was only playing on 9 July. His music never fails to charm Mummy.

One of the audience proposed to his girlfriend in between the concert... gotta give him credit for the courage. Though we thought that one could have been pressured into saying "yes"... even if she had actually wanted to tell him that she wants to think about it... smart move for that guy. And yes... some of the other guys there must have felt the heat after that as well.

Had a great 27th birthday... and counting down to the next one to come.

Counting Down to the Counting Up to 27

Daddy and Mummy had fun at the KTV with our friends last night to celebrate my birthday. Its been a long time since someone sang me the birthday song... felt kindda weird... or maybe I just didn't want to be reminded that I am getting older (again). Should have known better not to sing... throat is getting a little uncomfy after yesterday's session. I think I am going to suffer water retention from the amount of water I have been drinking since Friday.

Its going to be a relaxing week for Mummy... will be away from office for tomorrow and the day after tomorrow to attend a training and Friday will be on leave to celebrate/mourn my 27th birthday.

37.3 = Normal?

Daddy's interview with Singtel went well... but he needs to go through 2 more rounds of interview if selected. Let's keep our fingers and toes crossed for him.

After the sickly feeling on and off... finally fell sick on Thursday night. Was down with fever and the sore throat was unbearable... couldn't even swallow my saliva... the pain almost killed me.

The fever subsided a little in the morning. When the doctor recorded my temperature as 37.3 degree celsius... she told me that I wasn't running a fever. Hmmmm... maybe they raised the bar of a fever after the SARS period. She checked my throat and said that I wasn't suffering from sore throat as there wasn't any inflammation... but maybe it was just dry due to the air. I had to tell her that it was the upper part that was sore and I even had problem swallowing my saliva before she agreed to prescribe me lozenges. She made me felt as though I was there to con the medical certificate out of her.

Next time I will go to the doctor only when I am lying in bed and can't move... then again by that time, what I need is a death certificate and not medical certificate.

Its July!!!

It is finally July... which also means that Mummy's birthday is round the corner and we can try and conceive again. This will be an exciting month.

Have been keeping a lookout for better job opportunities but so far there hasn't been any good news. Its not exactly the best time especially when baby-planning is on the plate as well... but I will just adopt the "whichever comes first basis".

Daddy is going for a job interview tomorrow at Singtel though... let's hope that lady luck smiles on him this time round.

I think I am finally falling sick... woke up with a bit of sore throat today... must be the result of the heaty food as well as the "Annual Haze Amalgamation".

Under the Weather

Daddy fell sick over the weekend. Running a bit of fever and tummy was giving him hell. I believe it wasn't due to food poisoning but more because of the weather and hence suffered from stomach flu. Noticed that alot of people around came down with stomach upset for no real reason. Must take good care of ourselves... lots of fluid, lots of vitamins and lots of rest to fight the bug. Let's hope that Daddy will recover soon despite the long hours that he will be keeping for the rest of the week... he will be engaged in meetings from Monday to Friday and each meeting will last for an average of 12 hours.

With Daddy's uncle in town... the last weekend was a busy one (which probably made it felt a bit too short). We had a barbecue on Saturday and Japanese food on Sunday... and of course Daddy had to stay off most of the food... just in case.

The weekend was rather fun though... but Mummy got a bit down after the day ended. It would have been better if you were around.

A Tad Too Much

Last Sunday was Father's Day... Mummy didn't forget to wish Daddy a Happy Father's Day on behalf of you boys.

We took Grandpa (Daddy's Daddy that is) out for dinner last night at Palm Beach to have his favourite crispy duck. Obviously Granny was protesting initially because it is not exactly very healthy... but then again sometimes we must learn to let go. Going to have another big dinner (again) with my Dad this Sunday. Daddy's uncle and family from the states just flew in today around midnight... so we are going to have lots of food for dinner tonight again. Hmmm... I wonder how many more kilos I will be putting on. Mummy has put on 4 kg since the wedding... that is bad because I have never never hit the big 5 on the weighing machine in my entire life.

Uncle Brian accidentally dropped his car key yesterday (again... yes again) and for that Granny was damn upset with him for being careless. But lucky for him... his colleague found his key and of course we found out (or at least suspect) that he might be seeing someone new... that at least made Granny a little happier.

I didn't know who leaked out the news that I was pregnant. During the fire drill yesterday alot of colleagues from my division came to me and told me that I can actually be exempted from it. I didn't have a choice but to "declare" that I had a miscarriage... I didn't know how I got the courage to shrug it off just like that at that point in time. But after that it got to me and engulfed me slowly... the sadness hit me again. I miss you both...

Who Knows

After days of agonising over my missing bonus... finally got it resolved yesterday. Though it was done under the covers... realised that it was because they have failed to give me my increment since April and they need to adjust my salary first and base my bonus on that. Gonna get a lump sum payment of the bonus and back-pay by end of this month... hopefully... otherwise they are probably going to tell me that its another computer glitch. Do I really look that dumb to them?

Have a rough idea what Daddy is giving me as birthday pressie... he accidentally left his credit card statement out in the open on the table. Muwahahahah and he claimed that I was sly. I think he is worse... I made a wild guess which was right earlier on but he claimed that I got it wrong. Three more weeks to go... looking forward to my birthday... and by that I meant the break and not the growing old part.

The weather has been pretty bad lately... I think I am going to melt due to the heat. Its giving me dizzy spells... the bloated feeling and just don't feel too good on the whole. Hmmmm... sounds like the symptoms of pregnancy... bah.... whatever it is I can use it to "threaten" Daddy for a while before my next period comes around. Have been telling him for the past few days not to make me upset cos I might be preggie... muwahahahaha... ok I admit I am bad.

Goodness... feeling damn hungry right now. Need to endure it for another hour or so for my lunch break. Hunger overcame me last evening just ten minutes before knocking off... ended up rushing to McDonalds to grab some fries to keep me alive before dinner time. Unfortunately spilled the whole cup of lemon lime juice in the car... shoot!!! Damn that hunger of mine. Hey isn't that another symptom of pregnancy... ahahahahah... okay I shall stop making another wild guess. Been making alot of wild guesses for the past one week... but then again who knows right?

Waiting for the Day to be Over

What a way to start a new day, a new week. Nothing seems to be going right since morning.

Realised that my one-month bonus wasn't credited into my account with my salary and neither was it reflected in my payslip. Accounts directed me to Human Resource... so now am waiting for the officer to give me a good reason for holding back the payment. I just couldn't figure the reason for it... but I have this nagging feeling that it isn't looking too good.

Damn!!!! I hate it whenever we are rushing for something... somewhere someone will sit on something. First its my boss then followed by Gerald Lee... as though it is some sort of standard operating procedure. He has been sitting on the Memo since last week and despite the chasing there is still no news from him. In the end I have to humble myself to continuously "beg" his secretary for an answer. She sounded pissed... but similarly I am pissed with her attitude as well. But what to do other than trying hard to bear with it. As always... I will be the one sandwiched between the Board and the Applicant. Why can't these people have a sense of urgency when the need arises??? Arrgghhh... if not for the regular working hours... I really cannot find a reason for liking this job.

There has been alot of news of miscarriages lately. Three forumers in the miscarriage support thread had recurrent miscarriages... all in a matter of less than 2 weeks. Another lady whom I got to know in the February 2004 bride thread lost her baby last Saturday. I can't help but wonder the percentage of recurrent miscarriages.

Speaking of which... today is exactly 2 months since we lost you angels. Time seems to be flying as though it was only yesterday... but during which alot of things had happened making it felt as though the days are crawling.

I can't wait for today to be over.

The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back

This week is swooshing by really fast... that's good.

Finally stood up against my boss on Wednesday. I told her right in the face that I cannot work overtime and need to go off. I have no problems about working overtime but not when she is obviously failing to put in the efforts to clear her work on time. The one page memo was given to her last Friday morning and despite numerous reminders on Monday and Tuesday... she only got back to me with amendments ten minutes before my knock-off time on Wednesday.

Every time when I remind her that she needs to clear something urgent, her reply would be "tomorrow" or "later today". Got me really pissed with her this time round... the straw finally broke the camel's back. You guys should see the expression on her face when I told her that I cannot stay. Time for her to realise that the world doesn't revolve around her timing. If she can drop her work and leave the office before her official knock-off time just because she has some personal appointment despite the amount of work piling... I don't see the reason why I cannot leave. What's more... it is my official knock-off time.

After this episode... I seriously think it is time for me to keep a lookout for better opportunities. No real hurry... cause Daddy said that no way she can or will fire me for that but I believe that it might affect my appraisal for next year.

Haven't form an attachment (and doubt that I will) to the work, the place and the people here... so it should be easier for me to move on. But the thought of having to deal with changes and in the event if I should get pregnant again... it will be tough for any potential employers to even consider my application.

Rambling of Grumbles

Mummy has been having dreams throughout the night... can't quite remember most of them. But because of the endless dreams, I often wake up feeling extremely tired... sometimes even a little grouchy. Not too sure what's the reason but hoping that it will stop soon. Maybe its because I have been feeling stress??? Hmmm... nay... don't think I have been feeling any stress lately. Shall stop thinking about it... otherwise I am really giving myself stress.

Sometimes I wonder how my boss gets to where she is. She panics unnecessary (in local terms... we call her "not steady"), her sense of priorities sucks. She worries over the minor stuff but tries to push the responsibility when it is something major. She seems to have problems composing her thoughts... instructions are given in bits and pieces and half the time I have to try and guess what she said. Maybe she thinks we are mind-readers. She sits on her work... but I have become immune to that... cos the ball is in her court, if she is taking it easy why should I worry right? The one thing that really got on my nerves lately is that she seems to be taking me as an operator. She will buzz me for another colleague's extension even though she is sitting right infront of her laptop and having full access to the intranet. God!!!!

As like what Daddy said... sometimes when we work for such people, we need to close both eyes. I will go with that since he has lots more experience having to deal with Ronald.

Blue Black Ang Mo?

Feels like Monday today... guess that it is because of Vesak Day falling right in the middle of the week. But we had a fruitful Vesak Day... cos we manage to spend time with both families. Although it would have been great too if Daddy and Mummy had managed to stick to our original plan to go for a picnic... cos the weather wasn't too humid and with a bit of clouds and breeze.

Daddy is still keeping me in suspense. All I know is that my birthday pressie is something black, blue and white (Daddy said its a orh chee ang mo). The material is plastic for black and metallic for blue and white. Hmmm... I wonder...

My menstrual cycle started on 28 May as "predicted" by Dr. Lim. Load off my mind... at least my cycle and hormones are back to normal. But how I use to hate those days when my aunt comes by for a visit. Daddy and Mummy agreed to wait for another cycle before we start trying again.

The Waiting Game

In a span of just one week, two ladies in the miscarriage support thread have confirmed their pregnancy. So glad to know that people eventually do move on. Let us pray that things will go smoothly for them this time round... once is more than enough.

As for me... I am still waiting patiently for the first menstrual cycle after the D&C to start. It should be due tomorrow but doesn't seem to be getting any PMS signs... chances are high that I will have to continue with my wait.

Life is indeed a waiting game. Some things are beyond our control... so there is nothing we can do but wait patiently. We wait to see if the menses visit, we wait to pay for the pregnancy test kit, we wait for the blue line to appear on the test kit, we wait for our turn at the gynae's, we wait to see the heartbeat, we wait to see if the baby is growing... and of course the few unfortunate few will have to wait for the D&C, to wait for the first menstrual cycle, to wait for the green light from the gynae before we try and conceive again... and the whole cycle just starts again.

Right now... Mummy is waiting for her lunch break. After that I will look for something else to wait for.

Living With It... Living Without It

Aunty Kai Ling left for the states yesterday morning and will only be back on 14 June. I know that we just came back from our holidays but I can't help it but wish that she could take me with her. Well who can resist a holiday right? Daddy promised me a holiday trip each year. Even if the next baby comes before that, he said we can still go on a short overseas trip - to Sentosa that is. Nothing much at Sentosa but one night stay at Rasa Sentosa doesn't come cheap either... I think I can live with that.

Mummy is making improvement in swimming... not alot but at least I can now make it through one lap without having to take a break in between. Yes... that was how lousy I was before this. Nonetheless, Daddy said that I can claim two bowls of laksa for swimming one lap. Sounds like a good deal but then again I cannot imagine how many more laps I will have to swim to work that two bowls of laksa out... I think I can live without that.

A Pat On the Back or A Pack of Laksa

Finally getting into full swing with exercising after work. Daddy swam and Mummy basically just "played with water". :p High time we start to shed those kilos.

After a week of work and complaining about bosses... the weekend is here again. Mummy will be going over to Aunty Ada's new place this evening to celebrate her 27th birthday. Aunty Ada just moved into her brother's new flat (her brother is outstation for about 2 years) few weeks back. I'm secretly hoping that things will work out between her and Uncle Ben. When they tie the knot... then will she really have a place of her own. Her birthday reminded me that the next birthday girl in the group will be me. Looking forward to having a fun day on 9 July with Daddy.

Grandaddy and Grandmummy are finally on their road to retirement. If all goes well with Uncle Ah Huat for the next 4 months... he will take over full operations.

Great Granny fell a week ago and has a crack on her right lower arm. Her arm will be put in cast today and it will stay on for the next few months. Poor thing... going to be very uncomfy for her.

Otherwise everyone is doing okay. Mummy as well... cause no more outbursts since this Monday. I think I deserve a pat on the back (otherwise a packet of laksa will do as well).

Pulling Through Together

Time really flies...

It's been almost 2 weeks since Mummy & Daddy had came back from our holiday & are slowly getting back to some semblance of normalcy in our day-to-day lives...

It's also been a tough couple of weeks for Mummy as she really misses you. Daddy misses you guys too, & there is always a tinge of sadness whenever I see something that reminds me of you guys. But you guys have a strong Mummy & she is really trying hard to pull herself through this. Daddy can only just lend a shoulder for her to cry on. So, the three of us will have to do our best to comfort Mummy together & help her through this time. It's our first big job as a family & our first test, & I'm confident we'll pull through it with flying colours.

Is it Me or The Hormones?

Another weekend just whisked by. We celebrated Mother's Day (belated that is) with Daddy's family on Saturday and with Mummy's family on Sunday. Just realised that I have put on 2kg for the past 1 month... time to cut back on food intake hereafter.

I wonder what is wrong with me... always feeling down for no apparent reason... can't quite pinpoint the cause of the mood swings. Not sure if it is because I have been too overwhelmed lately with having to juggle many things all at the same time... trying to settle into the new environment, adapting to the changes in life and coping with the miscarriage. Will try hard to keep my cool, my sanity, my identity.

It's Been a Month...

Today is exactly one month since you guys left us. It would have been the start of the 15th gestation week as well. If everything had went well Mummy should be able to feel your movement in a week or two.

Though Mummy still sobs now and then when emotions get the better of me... I think we have been coping well. No more questioning why... just a tinge of sadness because we miss you both.

I used to think that we will move on from this episode but I realise that we will never be able to. We will learn to cope with it better over time but I now believe that we will still think and miss you guys until our final days on Earth... because perhaps that is when we will finally get to see each other face to face.

We love you.

The Good and Bad of Knowing Why

This silly Mummy had an outburst again yesterday... and I thought that I was strong... guess not. Was reading some articles off the internet yesterday and it probably got me overly emotional.

Guess that it was just never meant to be... even from the beginning...

When you conceive and a baby is created, it takes half its genes from the sperm and half from the egg that ovulated that month. At the exact time of conception, the cross-over of these genes takes place. Sometimes, for no reason other than bad luck, some information is lost and the pregnancy is destined from that point not to be. It might be that this lost information is not needed for many weeks, and the pregnancy will continue as normal until that time. When the needed information is not there, it is then that the baby dies

How true... the many questions which I had constantly asked myself if it was because of something I did or ate. But as much as I try to console myself that it is for the better rather than have you angels to live with some abnormalities for the rest of your lives... it is never easy to accept that fact... the fact that my angels did not have the rights to be normal, to live...

These are the most common reasons that women miscarry. Not because of something you did or didn't do, but just because of chance. Not because you drank alcohol, ate some unpasteurised cheese, or didn't take folic acid. Certainly not because you had sex or didn't rest enough. Whether you lay in bed from the day of your positive pregnancy test or went hang-gliding every day wouldn't have changed things. Its nature's way of making sure that when you do have a baby, it has the best chance for all of its life.

We saw Dr. Lim for a follow-up today. Everything is ok with mummy now and the blood clot has cleared. Theoretically we will need to wait for 3 months to be up before trying for the next baby but Dr. Lim said that Mummy is physically fit even if we should conceive before that. But I know that most importantly we must be emotionally and psychologically ready to accept the next baby as another separate being and not as a replacement to fill the void...

The "replacement child" syndrome is very real and there are two main problems associated with it. The first is that parents delay their grief until after the new baby comes or they think that by having another baby right away, they won't have to grieve at all.

But Daddy and Mummy have confidence... because each one of you including your little brothers and sisters are special in your own ways.

Also came upon an interesting website on how this lady had to deal with 8 miscarriages... the poems she wrote, the recount of each miscarriage. She suggested that writing journals, having some sort of memorial is a good way to grieve and heal... but I doubt that you guys will ever get to read this blogspot.

Saw a young mummy feeling all excited after getting out from Dr. Lim's room. I think its the first time she is seeing her angel...

Back to Reality

After a really long holiday... Daddy and Mummy are finally back to reality, to the rat race. Time flies... its been almost a month since we went on leave.

Not too bad a morning for Mummy though... just lots of email to clear and read through whatever files left on the table. Mummy's boss has been engaged in endless meetings since the morning so I guess that I can skive a bit for now and slowly get myself out of the holiday mood.

Seems like lots to pick up from where I had left them... the work, the daily news...

Sydney Sydney and More of Sydney

Daddy & Mummy spent the last week in Sydney, the last leg of our honeymoon.

On Monday, we took a flight from Hobart to Sydney & drove the 2 hours to Hunter Valley, which is mainly vineyards & winerys. We went to Rosemount Estate, which is one of Daddy's favourite winerys. They have vineyards in South Australia as well. We tried some wines & Daddy bought 3 bottles which Daddy is going to try to keep for awhile. Daddy & Mummy intend to enjoy that wine during our 10th Anniversary in 2014.

We spent the night at a retreat called Berenbell Retreat, which was wonderful. We had a great view in the little cottage of our own. The peacefulness was akin to Tasmania and we had a wonderful time.

The next day was the drive back to Sydney. Was a bit more adventurous with a few wrong turns but we managed to find our way to the serviced apartment. After a long day, we went to return the car to the airport & realised how expensive public transportation is in Sydney. After a simple dinner, Mummy just wanted a hot bath & bed, but unfortunately, the hot water pipe in the entire building had burst & we watched tv till midnight before we got hot water again... A memorable first night in Sydney.

Our first full day in Sydney was a walk around town, including up the Sydney Tower. The view was fantastic & it really was also a good way to see lots of the city without walking anywhere. The ticket included a little virtual tour of Australia which also provided us with lots of interesting information about Australia. We then walked to Circular Quay where the famous Sydney Opera House is. A guided tour revealed all the fascinating parts of the building and left Daddy & Mummy wondering why no such tour is available for the Esplanade. Then, some souvenir shopping at an area called the Rocks where we bought T-shirts for Uncle, Aunties, & Grandparents.

The next day was spent with a quick dash down to Chinatown. Most of the places were still closed, but we realised that it was mainly restaurant. Right after that, Daddy & Mummy spent the rest of the day at Darling Harbour, which included a visit to the Chinese Garden of Friendship, which the Guangzhou government had helped build. Lunch was at a great restaurant called the Meat & Wine, where Daddy had a wonderful steak & Mummy had her Fish & Chips. We then watched a 3D movie on the Titanic before going to the National Maritime Museum, where Daddy & Mummy visited one of the Tall Ships, as well as an Australian Navy Destroyer & Submarine. Dinner was seafood again, with great oysters and Fish & Chips (hoping that Mummy wasn't sick of it by then...).

The 3rd day was also the last full day in Sydney. We went back to Darling Harbour to the Aquarium, which we were unable to visit. The highlights were definitely the Seals & the Sharks. The aquarium had a 'Finding Nemo' theme and all the kids there seemed to be enjoying themselves tremendously. I'm sure you guys would have loved it too... After a lunch at a wonderful Italian restaurant (luckily no Fish & Chips), we took a cruise around Sydney Harbour, which had wonderful views of the surrounding area. Dinner was a last seafood fest at Nick's Bar & Grill which came with our holiday package. It left Mummy & Daddy very very full.

The last day was spent mainly checking out of the hotel & making our way back home. It was a long holiday which had came to an end. Tomorrow is back to the reality of work...

Freycinet National Park - The place that took our breath away (in every sense of the word)

Daddy & Mummy just got back from another long road trip. We finally made our way up to the beach house. It's really a lovely getaway from the cares of the world, tucked away in a really nice & quiet cosy corner of Tasmania... :) The sands was pearly white and lovely, but a huge thunderstorm had blown a whole bunch of seaweed onto the beach.

From there, it's a short drive up to Freycinet National Park. We did a short walk, down to Oyster Bay. It was covered with seaweed as well, but the water still looked lovely. Daddy & Mummy then got a bit adventurous & did a longer walk up to the lookout of Wineglass Bay. It's a lovely beach that we've seen pictures of. It was a rather tough walk which took a bit of our breaths but the view was fantastic! The Bay looked so peaceful & serene that Daddy really wanted to stay for a long long time. But in the end, we still had to get back.

On the way back to the beach house, we stopped at Freycinet Lodge which is like a chalet complex with log cabins for people to stay. We had a light snack of cakes & potato wedges before driving back to the beach house. That night, Daddy & Mummy treated Uncle Paul & Auntie Kerry to dinner at a restaurant in Swansea. The food was great & in huge portions that no one was able to finish his.

Today, was a relaxing day as we got ready to get back to Hobart. Daddy & Mummy took a long walk on the beach where we picked up a really nice whole seashell. After a light lunch, we drove back to Hobart. Uncle Paul & Auntie Kerry has a dinner appointment tonight, so Daddy & Mummy will have a night out. We intend to go to a restaurant that Daddy liked, called Hog's Breadth Cafe, for dinner. They serve really nice steak. Hope Mummy enjoys it too...

Smell the Trees at Huon Valley

Today is another road trip for Daddy & Mummy. We had intended to go to Freycinet National Park & Uncle Paul's Beachhouse, but because of a road race, they will be closing the road inbetween for most of the day. So instead, we drove south again to the Huon Valley where the great big forests were. It's a production forest, which means logging is being carried out. The trees are chopped down for all sorts of uses, like furniture, & shipbuilding. To prevent deforestation, the company is also careful to regrow the forests. The area we went to is called the Tahune National Park where there is an attraction called the Airwalk. It's a path built into the forest at 37m high & it gives a really good view of the area, the forests, mountains & the Huon River. It was a lovely, peaceful and scenic tour.

On the way back to Hobart, Daddy & Mummy stopped at a small town called Franklin. We had some fun chasing seagulls by the beach before stopping for some tea (for Mummy) & coffee (for Daddy) & ice cream. The cafe is called Petty Sessions, as the building used to be the Franklin Courthouse. A lovely place to spend the afternoon...

This evening is going to be quiet as Daddy & Mummy will have an early night... Tomorrow, we should be heading out to Uncle Paul's Beachhouse as well as Freycinet National Park.

Diary of a Possum Murderer

Yesterday, Daddy & Mummy went on a bit of a road trip to Port Arthur about 1.5 hours drive away. On the way, we got some good scenary & plenty of photos. We spent most of the day at Port Arthur, where a convict colony used to be. It was quite a amazing place, to feel the history about the place. Many also say that it is haunted. Daddy & Mummy joined a 'Ghost Tour' that night where a tour guide took us around the place & told us ghost stories. Well, we didn't see any ghosts, but there was a room which is supposed to be haunted which gave Mummy the creeps. She stepped in, & immediately wanted to leave... The drive back was uneventful except for the poor possum that Daddy ran over accidentally. But then, Daddy managed to stop in time to avoid running over a second one....

Today we went to a place which you guys probably would have enjoyed. The Cadbury Chocolate Factory, where they make all the yummy chocolates. Mummy is not a huge fan, but she still really enjoyed the Macadamia Nut chocolate which was given to us as samples. We bought lots of chocolates back, for friends to enjoy.

Tonight, Uncle Paul & Auntie Kerry are bringing us all out to a dinner at an Asian restaurant. So, should be a good dinner installed.

Mt Wellington, Richmond & Mt Nelson

Today, Daddy & Mummy met with a bit of luck as the weather cleared dramatically and we were able to make the trip up Mt Wellington. This is something even Daddy has not managed to do... The highest I have gone was up to the Springs at 720m above sea level when Granddaddy & Grandmummy came to visit... However today, we managed to get all the way to the summit. The view was incredible and at the top, with the low clouds, it was truly one with the clouds. We snapped lots of pictures! It was incredible!

After a lunch at Mures of Fish & Chips for Mummy & Crumbed Scallops for Daddy, we wandered around town & shared an ice cream. With some time, we made the trip to Richmond, the site of an old bridge as well as the oldest Catholic Church in Australia which is still ministering...

On the way back, we stopped at the Botanic Gardens which was a bit dissappointing... Think ours in Singapore would be better. But it's probably because of the winter... After a bit of a detour, we got to the Mt Nelson Signal Station lookout for a breathtaking view of Hobart in sunset... :)

Well, Auntie Kerry just got home so Daddy & Mummy are going to go see if she needs a hand with anything... Talk to you later... Muacks muacks

We Are Here Finally!!!

Dear guys,

Mummy & Daddy are now in Hobart, where Daddy spent 7 years of his life studying... Yesterday, brought Mummy to Salamanca Market, which is like the Tasmanian Pasar Malam... We had this yummy sausage for lunch & also did some souvenir shopping... We also went shoe shopping because Mummy's shoes were spoilt... :( Mummy has teeny tiny feet and the first 3 shops didn't have anything in her size (except for one huge pair of boots)... In the end, we went to this department store where they had one pair of boots in Mummy's size and just what she wanted... Mummy was certainly glad with that find...

After that, Daddy took Mummy on a tour of all the places that he stayed in & we went to Nutgrove Beach as well... It was certainly a different experience, since this beach was by the riverside, not the sea... Strictly, it's a riverbank, but the Derwent River here is huge... Makes our Singapore River look like the long kang that Mummy likes to refer it to...

Today, we are going to make our way south, to Peppermint Bay for lunch and some sightseeing...

Guess these will not really be your cup of tea, MovieWorld on the Gold Coast would probably have been more exciting... But we will save that trip till we go with your brothers & sisters...

Take care, be good... :)

Aftermath

Mummy went back to the gynae for a follow-up this morning. Everything is ok except that there was still a bit of tissue left over or blood clot but it is not too much of a concern. May get bits of bleeding over the next 7 to 10 days but that's normal as according to the gynae. Almost teared this morning when I had the ultrasound scan done... the empty feeling set in again because all I could see was an empty uterus.

Over the past few days... friends and even Dr. Lim shared with us their personal experiences... we then realised that actually quite a handful of them had gone through miscarriages as well. I guess that not many people like to share such experiences unless necessary. It is indeed painful... it is a lost of life... more so when it your own baby.

After much trouble, changes after changes and hard work (on Daddy's part)... our travel plans have been firmed up. Finally going for the long awaited trip this coming Thursday. This was suppose to be our honeymoon... but now it is part of the healing process.

Tomorrow will be exactly one week... but I think we have done well.

Restoring Normalcy into Life

Today is Daddy's attempt at restoring normalcy into life; back to work...

However, while everything is the same as I left it, everything is different now. It was so difficult to take down your pictures, I had so wanted to add in the more... Now, the pictures will remain in Daddy & Mummy's hearts... While I wish I had the chance to hold your tiny bodies in my hands, that is no longer possible. Now, I could only hold your tiny spirits in my heart & in Mummy's heart...

But coming back to work makes me realise that life does go on, no matter how much we want it to stop. We grieve for you, but as I told Mummy, I am also determined to celebrate your 8 weeks of life. When I see the two of you in the afterlife, I want to be able to tell you that Daddy & Mummy had done well in life, not in terms of material possessions, or career, but in what's important, our family...

For now, we concentrate on the physical & emotional healing, which we can feel you helping us through... When the time is right, we will try again, to bring your brothers and sisters into this world. But till then, we will take things one step at a time...

Rest well, my boys... Be good... I love you...

Keeping Myself Occupied

Pushed my plans a little and got down to doing some cleaning of the room today.

Have also decided that its time to groom myself a little... have been putting that off for quite a while because while carrying the two of you all I could think of was sleep through the weekend. So time to go straighten my hair tomorrow. I take it as another step to getting my life back to normal.

Mummy is definitely feeling a little bit better today... gotta give myself a pat on the back for that. But I was thinking earlier this morning wondering how my two angels would have looked like. Got me a bit sniffy though thinking about it. Hopefully it didn't get on daddy's nerves... bleah.

The Aimless Days...

Mummy has been grounded for the last few days. Daddy and I were suppose to re-visit Mt. Faber and have a picnic there yesterday... something which we haven't done for quite a while. But Daddy's granny has left strict instructions that I am suppose to stay in and get some rest. Oh well... for now we will be good.

But we had a great time spending 2 hours in bed in the morning reminiscing the happenings for the past one year. Its been a great year full of wonderful memories and we know that we will have many more to come. Well... life became a little aimless for me after the wedding... your arrival was something we were all looking forward to a "project" which will keep me occupied for the next 20 to 30 years... or maybe for the rest of my life. But its ok... for now I will concentrate on getting myself back to normal both physically and emotionally... we know that the next baby will be here soon.

Finding Nemo kept us occupied for a while yesterday. Its the second time we are watching it but never fails to tickle me. I'm sure you will love it too.

The report from the gynae came in today. Nothing conclusive...

But we are both feeling much better as each day passes by. Glad to say that we are all healing well. My tears should be running out soon.

The aimless life has made me lost count of the days. All I get to do is eat and rest, eat and rest. Giving myself another day to live my life like that. Come Monday I will have to start getting things done before flying off to Sydney for our long awaited trip.

Dear Tristan & Kiefer

14 April 2004, 10 am…

“Sorry, I can’t seem to find the heartbeats.”

My heart sank and my world crashed …tears rolled down uncontrollably… I didn’t know what else I could do other than cry. That was when I knew that we had lost them both. There were no tell-tale signs… no bleeding, no spotting. All we could see on the monitor were the two little heads and their little arms and legs. Their hearts had stopped… so did ours.

They were identical… same hair, same facial features, same genes. Never expected them to share the same fate.

14 April 2004, 12.30 pm…

The wait for the D & C seemed like forever. But it was also the last few moments I could feel them inside me. The afternoon sun was shining brightly as ever… it pains me to know that they will never get to feel the warm of the sun, smell the roses and feel the light breeze brush their hair. The world will never be perfect but I’m sure they will find it beautiful despite the flaws.

I was told not to drink or eat before the surgery. I never knew how a patient waiting to be operated on could stand the thirst… because I could never live without water. But now I know… when the world stops… nothing else matters.

My tears couldn’t stop flowing.

14 April 2004, 1.30 pm…

We made our way back to the clinic for the surgery at 2.00 p.m.

The sun is still bright and scorching hot… but as we came closer to town the sky was partially covered with dark clouds. It felt as if the sky was feeling sorry for us.

14 April 2004, 2.00 pm…

Changed and waited outside the operating theatre for the gynae.

The tears just flowed endlessly. There was nothing I could do to make myself feel any better. It was the last private moments I had with my two angels.

14 April 2004, 2.15 pm…

“The first needle is painkiller and the second needle will put you to sleep… when you wake up it will be over.”

But I don’t want it to be over… to us it was just the beginning of a new life. We had so many plans for them… we were suppose to share many many more happy moments together.

My tears flowed. I lost consciousness.

14 April 2004, 3.30 pm…

As promised… it was over… but definitely not my sadness.

14 April 2004… after the sun had set… the night seemed longer and darker than any other days. Its been a while since I cried this hard…

Feeling helpless… we could only hug and cry. We did our best to console each other.

15 April 2004, 5.00 am….

Woke up after finally getting my eyes to rest for a while. I felt different… physically back to normal… no more feeling nauseous when I wake up in the morning, no more running to the washroom five to six times during the night to empty to my bladder, no more giddy spells and the bulge at my lower ab was gone. If only I could… I will gladly trade my emotional sufferings for all the physical discomfort… but it will not be possible.

My tears never seem to run out.

15 April 2004, 10.00 am…

Its been 24 hours.

The sky is as beautiful as ever… the world didn’t stop. I know I will move on eventually. Bumps on the road is inevitable… but I believe that I will pick myself up, dust it off and get on with my life. But for now… I just want mine to stop… just for a little while to let me grieve a little for my two angels.





Dear Tristan and Kiefer,

Daddy and Mummy will always love you forever… we will miss you.

Thank you for letting us feel how great parents are.

Thank you for bringing us the joy and happiness even though it was a little short-lived… but it was good and will always be part of us.

We were so looking forward to your arrival… but we know that it will never be. We will take comfort in knowing that you will have each other for company wherever you are.

We know that our angels will be looking out for us and their little brothers and sisters.

Take care… you will always be our two little angels.

Luv
Daddy and Mummy